It's About Safety
Whether we’re talking about COVID or sex, it’s important that we communicate so we feel safe.
In this time of, “To wear a mask or not to wear a mask,” what has become obvious to me is that we are being asked to practice very important conversations. I see a direct link between wearing a mask and consent to that of practicing safe sex and consenting to sexual activity. Both involve the need for conversations and promoting a sense of safety.
All of this feels slightly strange, because many of us have not been equipped to have these hard and necessary conversations. Growing up in the midwest, I was taught to “be nice” and to not hurt people’s feelings. This is a fine way to operate, keeping other people’s feelings in mind, but when it becomes detrimental to your safety, then things get complicated. This is one reason why in my workshops as a Sexual Health Educator, an area of focus is rejection -- learning how to handle and accept the feelings that come with someone telling you what you don’t want to hear. We all experience it and we all need to learn how to cope in ways that won’t break us or hurt others.
In terms of wearing a mask, we have to start telling our friends and family what makes us feel safe. That sense of safety you need may be very different for your friends and family, so now you have to make a choice. Do you sacrifice your sense of safety to feel accepted, spare the other person’s feelings, or avoid conflict? Or, do you say, “I’m sorry, but I am not ready to do that and I will let you know when I am.” This practice is similar to when we enter into physical intimacy with other people. Have we talked beforehand about what feels safe for our bodies?
In my own personal experience, I didn’t learn how to have these conversations. It is still very hard to voice my needs, particularly if they may be different from those around me. I’m still learning. I feel more safe wearing masks and want to protect those around me if I’m an asymptomatic carrier. I get that others don’t feel the need. So, even if i’m going for a socially distanced walk, I put on my mask. Do I feel silly? Yes. Do I feel self-conscious? Yes.
But I am at the point in my life where my body and sense of safety is more important than what people think of me. All too often, I have allowed emotion to rule my decisions over reason. What will people think of me? I don’t want to make them mad. I want to feel loved. When we feel safe, we are able to live more fully. If I am around others and we’re not wearing masks, I am not present in the conversation because I know I will have anxiety for weeks afterwards assessing every time I sniff or cough.
These same concepts can be applied to sexual activity. If you are not practicing what makes you feel safe, if you are not verbalizing and having a conversation with others about this, then what is the point of the activity? When the sense of true connection or pleasure is lost, you cannot be fully present.
We are living in some hard times and it is important for us to be clear in what we need even if we may disappoint or be disappointed. I am confident we can practice learning to promote our own safety and still be considerate and respectful to others. These two things don’t need to be separate to be achieved.