Don't Take NO For An Answer

The reason our country has a hard time understanding consent has become clear to me.  The economy and infrastructures have been built around the motto of, “Don’t take no for an answer” and is a basis for how power is gained. Recently, I took an intro exercise class and received a follow up phone call from the business asking me to return for more classes.  I had already decided not to take more classes there.  Here is how the conversation went:

 “Hi! We were hoping you would come back for this great deal right now for more excellent classes!”

“Oh, thank you for thinking of me. (I have been taught to always be nice). But now is not a good time for me.” 

“Really? We could add another discount if you would like. It would be really great to see you back here.”

At this point I realize this exchange is going to take more time than I want.  “That’s great, but really, I am in physical therapy right now. I have just been diagnosed with arthritis and need to work on my strength.”

“We actually have a class that can help you in just that.  Many PTs have their patients take the class.”

Now I am getting a little frustrated feeling that I’ll have to fight to have my decline to be acknowledged or honored.  “Oh, I see. Here is the thing, I also just can’t afford it because I am going to two different gyms.  But again, thanks for thinking of me.” 

“I see. What gyms do you go to?” 

I tell her and she responds, “Well, one of our classes is just like the ones you attend. Let me sign you up for free so you can see if you like it.  Does this time work for you?”

“Umm…okay, sure.”

I relented. 

See what happened? In the sales world, the employee is rewarded for customer commitments to keep trying the product, resulting eventually in more sales.  This is how the world keeps turning - add incentives, keep talking, let them know how much they want what you have to offer. We usually need to say “No” three or four times in order for others to back down.  

I could have just said, “No!” and hung up the phone, but am still shedding the layers of what I believe is gendered niceness.  We are taught to be polite, even if I don’t feel it.  We are taught to not hurt people’s feelings, even if it means ignoring our own.  This can also be a problem, especially in the area of consent.  I left the conversation feeling annoyed, played, and committed to attend another class because it felt easier to just give up than continue the conversation.  

This is what happens when our requests are continually ignored time after time.  It becomes exhausting.  In so many sexual relationships or encounters, when the “NO” is not honored, it can become another area where we give in.  I’ve had many conversations with others about this. On many levels society is taught to bully and get people to a place where they break.  More incentives and reasons are pushed on us – or maybe just one more drink, until we become disillusioned and our “No!” is lost.

I didn’t go to the class. I cancelled because I didn’t want to be in a space where I wasn’t honored. I understand that’s how some businesses operate, but my business as a human being is to feel respected and valued. I would much rather do business with a company who values the whole person and what they are communicating.  

We should not have to say “No!” multiple times and be ignored.  Maybe our country will start changing if we change the way we do business. We also need to teach the value of hearing and accepting the needs of others, even when the response is one we don’t like to hear.