The Truth Lies in Our Reactions
At home and at work, I spend a lot of time thinking about reactions. Children have an amazing ability to draw really big reactions from parents when they do things that aren’t awesome –writing on walls, throwing huge temper tantrums, hitting siblings, hurting another child in class, not listening to the words we say, continually disrespecting our wishes and the list goes on. It infuriates and grates on us to a point we feel our chest tightening like a volcano is about to erupt.
As a parent, I know that I need to work on those reactions before they erupt. When I feel the low simmer shift to a boil, I realize the need to take a step back, breathe, and look at the source. Often the spark igniting that flame is triggered by something else unresolved in my life. How annoying.
As I look at the way our country is reacting right now to the many sexuality issues related to the queer community, reproductive rights, equality, and representation, I see trauma that has not been tended to. Disassociation is a common reaction to trauma and this is what we see playing out with a hyper focus on drag queens, book bans, and trans rights. While loud voices are yelling and negatively impacting others, they seem to ignore the reality that trans people and drag queens are overshadowed by the threat of cis-heterosexual men.
What is being ignored when there is such anger and hyper focus on others? So many of us struggle with the constraints of society not allowing us to live authentically. I believe that the trans community and drag queens pose a threat to people because they embody freedom – a life that despite hardship and challenges, they authentically live their truth. They are living out their truth, despite the hardship and challenges they face – they might just be the strongest and bravest of us all.
Feeling bound by societal pressures is something we all are challenged by, but in some cases, we may feel pain, or sadness, or a reaction of - “If I can’t do it, then neither can you.” The need to belong is real, as is the need for attachment and many of us do not know how to break free from it all and live outside of the structures society has set up for us. For some, the response is to use power to see others suffer.
When I teach about healthy relationships to 5th and 6th graders, I ask them to make a list of what healthy relationships feel like in their bodies. What do they need for a relationship to be healthy? They always provide a very good, long list. Next, we talk about what unhealthy relationships feel like and every time they name power over another. Children understand the concept that dominating another person or using a power over model does not feel good in our bodies. And yet, they see this being played out daily by the adults in their life who are in charge of their education and country.
Kids learn by modeling and the examples they see by those in charge of their education and country reflect those in power taking from others. What they are seeing will not teach them about tolerance, awareness, care for others, and open minded patience. We need to set a better example by asking ourselves why anger and reactiveness is taking hold of so many?
We live in a busy culture, so it would be good for each of us to pause, gather ourselves and quiet the noise. Instead of reacting to comments on social media, news stories, and tweets, how often are we giving ourselves time to reflect? So let me ask you in a moment of reflection…
When were moments you weren’t seen as a child?
What messages were you given that didn’t fit with what feels true to you?
When did you feel misunderstood?
When were times you felt like you couldn’t be you?
These are some simple questions we can ask ourselves to get to the root of why we react so much to others. I truly believe that we can change as a society, but to do so we need to pause, listen to one another, and investigate the roots of the reactions. We all deserve that.