You are Worth the Awkward!
Our nation has felt broken, but I’m hopeful we are picking up and welding the pieces back together as best we can. For a long while I would wake up with a heaviness and wondering “What happened now? How many more are dead? Where is misplaced anger hurting others today?” It has been too much for everyone. It has been too much for children. It’s been a while since we’ve felt like ourselves. This struck me after my own child spent some extended time outside and said, “I liked this afternoon because I felt like a kid today.” In thinking how to heal, I believe it can be possible, even through some simple solutions for our complex problems.
In my workshops with youth, we talk about connections, intimacy, vulnerability, and eye contact. We talk about our online world where daily interactions with a screen may not be as safe as we tend to think. Behind the screen are real people, with real emotions. It’s fascinating that all of us need a daily reminder of this.
In one exercise, I hand an all white mask that covers the entire face to a participant. After they put it on, a second participant is given harsh comments to read to the first. They often snicker, shift their weight, and roll their eyes as they read. Next, the mask is removed and the comments are read again as both participants face each other. This time the person reading can hardly finish the comments, is monotone and clearly very uncomfortable. Then we debrief — the comments are familiar to everyone. They admit they have either said them, been told them, or have read them online. They all agree how hurtful it us, but how easy it is to say them when not looking at someone face to face.
Then we do an eye experiment. I ask them to look at each other — a good ol’ staring contest. The scene is similar to all staring contests we have seen before; awkward, laughing, nervously playing with hands, then some strike a flow and find the ability to look. However, sadly all too often when I have asked how they got to that space they say, “I pretended I was mad at them. I pretended they didn’t exist. I looked more at their nose.”
“Why?” I ask. “Why can’t you hold space for that person?”
“Because it is awkward.”
We seem to be in a place where we have lost the desire, patience and will to deeply connect with others outside of our tightly knit groups. Why is it awkward to hold space for another human? Why is it awkward to look at one another? We are missing out.
The life we find on screens seems to be taking over. I’m not saying screens are bad, but can we please diminish their power? Can we not become our worst selves because life is awkward? I say in my workshops, “You are worth the awkward.” We are worth awkward conversations and learning how to have them and work through them to have better relationships. We are worth awkward silences when we are unsure of what to say. We are worth awkward glances if it makes us truly see another for the first time. We are more than what lives on a screen.
Sometimes I think our current environment of wearing masks may enable us to see each other again. Our eyes hold a lot of power and are being highlighted. Can we start seeing each other again or maybe really for the first time — not just as a demographic, but as a human with richness, complexity, mystery and intrigue? We all want the same thing my friends: to belong, to be loved, to be seen and heard. Let’s try to do that for one another. As a start, let’s practice by seeing, acknowledging, listening, and holding space — no matter how awkward it may be.